Welcome to 2012!

What's so wrong with the night?

I need to become a better liar

So I'm pretty much back on the "only eat to prove you eat" deal. There's no other way, since I can't really... control myself around food when I'm alone, it seems. Makes me sad. I've realised that I really, really, really don't want to gain any more weight. I want to go back to 48-49 kilos. The issue here is people as much as it is me. Mum just got home ten minutes ago and she saunters in to my room like:

Mum: "Heeey, have you just been sitting here all day without eating or drinking anything?"

Me: "o.O'"

How does she do that?!

Mum: "...Well, have you?"

Me: "Well, you said it."

I was so baffled. Why couldn't I just shake my head and be like: "Naw, I've been to the gym, eaten lots of stuff and yep, you guessed it, I am fully hydrated." Why? So I was just promptly escorted to the kitchen to drink a cup of milk and make off with a müsli bar. Not the worst thing that could've happened. Dinner is coming. And now I feel like maybe I have a problem.

The In Between

THIS is an update. I have BOOKS but I have no MONEY. I am feeling detached these days. I am one day ahead of everyone else. My room is a mess. I am getting less anxious about phone calls. I accidentally had an accident. I am NOT weighing myself until February 1st.  
I have a PLAN. It is a good one. I may have to rate this blog mature.

Coz I love cherries.

I am leeching offf someone else's internet, after hiding their booze like a boss so they would go buy more, and thus leave their laptopp unprotected. the things I do for you whilst wasted, internet

MERRY CHRISTMAS <'3

Twas the afternoon before Christmas...

... Surely you realise by now that I'm not a morning person. Who cares, anyway. I'm sick. Something happened yesterday, suddenly I started sneezing and my nose and ears started clogging. That feels exactly as uncomfortable/disgusting as it sounds. I made preparations to go to bed early, say, at a little past midnight. It did not at all go as planned. I cut off everything, thought I was safe enough, but then I discovered an Office Writer document still open on my desktop, from earlier in the day when I was working on Lethal Masterpiece. And then I saw a typo in there, so I corrected it. Then I read the last line of a paragraph and had a sudden epiphany of what ought to come next. And I started typing. And you know I went to bed at nearly 3 am, my eyes absolutely red and my head begging for drugs and sleep. This is how I get work done.

That having been said, I woke up about an hour ago. Headed straight for the kitchen and made a cup of cocoa with every intention of making that cup contain at least two thirds of Scotch Whiskey. That having been conquered I buried myself under the covers for a good ten minutes, drinking while lying down and feeling like I was about to die. Looking utterly pathetic, no doubt. Good thing only my sister is home, and I don't think she's planning on leaving her room. I made a full pot lemon tea when I was finished with my "cocoa", and quite frankly I expect this will be my diet for today -- except my 35 grams of oatmeal. Fibers. Gotta have 'em.

Don't you ever get sick of reading these things in detail? Then I did this, then I did that.... Suppose you don't have much of a choice, do you? On the other hand that wouldn't give you much of an insight would it? On the third hand I know I can be horribly blunt in my posts without giving thought to detail at all. Getting off topic, I'm just not a consistent blogger.

I really wanted to go the store today and find some accessories for my dress.... but guess not. My head feels like an elephant just stomped on it.

I'm lying in bed watching Tim Roth eating a banana whilst sassing a psychiatrist... and I'm loving it, in a totally non-gerontophiliatic way ♥

I support this ad

I give up

I'm not going to bother caring about my weight during Christmas. What's the  fucking point?

Dead inside

I went to Tivoli as a part of a family Christmas tradition, and I lost my cell phone. Or it ran away. Either way, it's GONE. We blocked the number and I'm gonna call 'em up tomorrow to find out if they found it crushed to pieces somewhere or not -- it was turned on when I lost it, see, but it was out of service when we tried to call it so I can only assume that something terrible has happened to it. I'll have mum call the insurance company as well to see if they want to cover it or not. I've never lost a phone before, it's like I've lost a part of myself. I feel utterly naked and empty inside, like there's a void in my heart that I couldn't possibly fulfill. 

I am such a drama llama, I know.

I'm sitting here wearing only one sock, and I feel incredibly detached from everything else. I've been thinking that maybe getting a new cell phone, maybe having to get a new number as well (I don't understand these things too well), will be a new start for me. Maybe I'll be able to relax more and not freak the fuck out every time someone whose number I don't recognise calls me up. Can you imagine it?

Robert Pattinson - Let Me Sign

Sigh

I like Carey too

Just a thought

The irony of there being a hunger crisis in Africa is that a great majority of the world's population consists of people good only for being devoured. Disturbing? Most will claim so. True? Few will admit it.

I hate not being able to write that effing feature.

01:12 am

Really wanting to go get my iPod so I can listen to the Fall on audiobook, but that means getting out of bed, walking down the stairs and back, and without a doubt waking mum up. Hating this night.

Massive Attack - Live With Me

Happy birthday Ciel

Get it together

I've always worn a nightgown to bed, but sleeping in my underwear seems to have become a co-occurrence with my feeling stressed out. I've been doing it more often lately, and frequently on nights where I've been despairing over homework or something else.

Yesterday was a nightmare, and I actually didn't feel hungry at all. By the time I dragged myself out the door to meet with the girls in Tivoli around 3.30 pm I'd only eaten an apple. I had so been looking forward to the chirros, so I had one of those... and a cup of hot cocoa. And a fruit skewer with dark chocolate coating. But I was not hungry.

I have to write this stupid feature story about my stupid gymnasium, and it's all just so stupid, and I just want it to be the 23rd so I can get on holiday. I can't wrap my head around the feature because it has to be about my gymnasium, in which I haven't been too invested besides. I just know it's going to turn out depressing at this rate. 

M is my partner in all of this, but I feel like she's not talking to me at all. Suddenly one afternoon she's got it figured out, after I, that very same morning, asked her if she had any ideas at all and she said she didn't. If she had an epiphany why not share? Because she's not a sharer. I've known her since we were kids, and I guess I should have learned this by now. I love her to bits, and she's possibly the most creative person I know, but why am I not worthy? Aren't I worthy of her thoughts or does she just forget? Either way I'm frustrated, but of course it's not her fault that I can't write like this.

And I don't feel like eating now. I don't feel like doing anything, other than... wait for it... W R I T E. I want to just bring my laptop with me to a remote place and release all of my excess insanity. Being a person is getting too complicated. Why can't I just be an author?

The paaain

Woke up with cramps in my abdomen.
Kind of stuck here lying on my stomach.
Going to wait this out for a bit
then if it doesn't get better
I'm going to attempt to make it down to the kitchen
and get painkillers
without collapsing.
Screw this
.

This picture interests me

Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself if the world is fucking serious, don't you?

Surreal

Okay, so... things have happened this weekend. Good things as well as downright strange ones. Because I can't be bothered to explain everything in detail, I'll provide you with a simple assembly of events to make things a little lighter to your sore minds -- it is Monday, after all.

• I got a haircut. Lovely lift. Bangs turned out wispy.
• I updated The Thing About Love.
• Went to the gym, had to go home early because of mom. Can't go today because of point 6.
• I received a pair of Björn Borg hipsters for my advent gift. Like, underwear with a genuine label. I'm not sure I can deal with that. (I've become infatuated with H&M's 3-pack organic cotton hipsters, and that is the extend of my label-awareness)
• My little sister's father came over and had dinner with us. Haven't seen the man for nine years and I still don't get it. Truly I found myself in a limbo of profound confusion and passive aggressiveness.
• My dad called and invited me out for dinner tonight. (y) I wonder what cuisine he's going to pick.

I feel like I can't allow myself to be too happy with my dad, point 5 considered. If I do, I feel like a bitch and bad sister. It's not nice.

I love today already

You've got five hours of sleep, a violent storm outside, seven hours of school, and it's simply one of those days where you just don't wanna. We all have 'em. I just don't see why it has to be Friday morning right now and I have to be in school within the hour. I'm an ooowl (not really).

The tendons in my feet are starting to bug me, and I think it might be my shoes. I  don't want to be in pain but I also don't want to not wear them, see? Such a dilemma! My life is full of obstacles, hoohoo. I get unreasonably sarcastic when I'm tired, and hopefully nothing shall come of it today... I'd hate for someone to get fucked up by this staggering, bleary-eyed mass of uuurgh.

This may take some music to fix up. I'm thinking Keane should suffice for now.

Maurice André - Autumn Leaves

B/W is growing on me

I had a delightful time watching Buster Keaton in "The General" today. Makes me want to see more, more, more!

My bruises and I

I don't know how this keeps happening. I gain weight, and I still can't do shit without getting bruises. When I sit on a plain chair without padding it hurts my bottom, and after a while my lower back starts aching; I maintain my disability to lie down on a hard surface without hurting my hips; and when I lean on a wall it just hurts my shoulder blades -- I'm sitting against a wall as I type this, and I had to put a pillow between myself and it to stay comfortable. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. I should get more natural padding as I gain, right?

On another note, I'm getting a hair cut this Saturday and hopefully it'll be nicer. My hair's getting long, but I kind of like it. Just going to have some layers added to it and a fresh fringe for Christmas! (y) I can't decide on what style to go with though..

Wispy

Asymetrical

Choppy

I do like the wispy look though, it won't need as much maintenance...

I am in love

I'm alive

Yes, yes, yes... I made it through. Got tipsy, and had a good time. While I didn't do any shots I couldn't help but get one or two cocktails. It was no biggy. Then I sobered up considerably when a girl from class suddenly got very, very drunk, then very, very miserable, and then very, very sick..... we got her home alright though.

But before that I found out that L, another girl from class has actually been reading my blog. With vigour, apparently. Naturally my first thought was "Oh shit", but she was really nice and understanding about it... even if we were both wasted and she may or may, not remember this now, I was actually kind of touched by her concern. But I never considered the possibility of someone that close to me might be following my blog. I mean I've never expected anyone to walk up to me and be like, "Hey, I read you blog", since it's pretty inconspicuous if I do say so myself... Needless to say I was shocked. But on the up side, I think we may be able to talk a little better together. Not about my ramblings here, obviously, but just in general.

Aaand, I found the first bruises from last night on my lower arm. From the feel of it, there's going to be more.

Little Dragon - Twice

Psst, check the video out.

And her stomach sank with dread...

Tonight I'm going to the first real party since the incident at S's 18th birthday. There's going to be people, no doubt. And alcohol. Uhm... can't it just be fake alcohol, and we'll laugh at all the people who act wasted regardless?

Look at this, look at what I've become -- this is a disgrace. Damn you, social expectations. I've just got to keep calm and ease into it. Talk to people, meet some new ones. This could be a good thing: moderation is the key word -- no shots, no mixed drinks. The party starts at 9.30 pm, which is late, so I'm going to go to a friend's house for dinner and we'll start out with a couple of drinks to set the right mood. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to it with this churning sensation of apprehension in my gut. For Pete's sake, I can do this!

Holy shit it's already Thursday

Bye, Alice

Check it, it's actually been four months now since my inner voice/narrative/personality finally got to me, and had me break into tears in the school bathroom thinking I was going to die. 

 

You won't recall this, unless I told you then which I probably didn't so... I apologise for being such a nitwit. I can't help it, I had other things on my mind then. Anyway, I quit everything related that I was aware of to this inner vexing personality, those phone numbers, memberships, contacts that I had no relation to. In my panic and a moment of clarity I just stopped feeding it in the hopes that it would starve, shrivel and die. And as it turns out it really helped. It's like this huge relief not to feel that presence lurking in here. Not feeling detached all the time, not being a part of this individual and all his self-destructive behaviour. I sound like a nut case, right...? I did talk to someone qualified about this, I'll have you know, but I stopped seeing him before he had the chance to include my parents. 

It doesn't matter anyway, I followed his advice and now everything's dandy, I think. Should be anyway. Four months and nothing is a good thing. Not having to constantly wonder whether what I'm thinking is really me is... indescribable. Just a huge relief, and I feel like I can trust people again. I just have to stick with this. Stay sober.

I feel like

Bloated, sad, and wasted.

In the AM

What are you doing up? 

Why are you up? 

Why won't you go to bed?

RE: In the AM

I am making html templates.
Because it takes my mind off things.
Because I'm a code-wielding fiend,
And I don't need sleep.
So stop me.

Marble Sounds - Good Occasions

100 pictures is over

Just so we're clear.

It's been a good day

Today really has been... wonderful. Socially, at least. 

During lunch break I was sitting with some of the other kids from class, and I enjoyed myself like... It was so weird hearing myself laugh like that. I've found that I have two laughs: my everyday laugh and my real laugh. Anybody familiar with this phenomenon?

S was reading this book ("Det Tomme Menneske", so philosophical, right? (oh, oh, that reminds me, I finally got my hands on Kafka on the Shore, I've been waiting 3 fucking weeks for that book!)) and he was using this old photo of his girlfriend as a bookmark. The photo was taken when she was a child, and it shows her wearing this big goofy grin, red helmet, drool on her shirt, and giant children's slippers. All the girls around the table, including myself, went like, "Aaww, she's so cute!", to which he promptly replies, "she looks like a retard who trips too much so her parents made her wear a safety helmet". Received lols all around.

Then his girlfriend arrives a few minutes later, and -- I'm actually smiling like a dork right now just remembering this stuff -- she goes: "Oh no, you're not sitting with that disgusting picture of me out in the open, I look like a retard", at which point he responds dutifully, "No, you look so cute!" And the whole table just died laughing, and S's girlfriend had no clue, bless her, it was hilarious and wonderful.

I can't believe this, I'm tearing up. Now I'm crying. What's up with me? It's called being on the rag and feeling emotional, shut up... I'm happy, I deleted B-A's number, and my grades are good. Life's good. Tonight I'm not going to feel guilty or apologise for it.

I feel like writing a paragraph about how my sugar intake is out of control, but I don't want to ruin the mood of this post.

I have to see this

Clicketh for trailer!

I can't sleep

My eyes are like this: 0.0

This is my second time getting up. I've been trying to go to bed for over an hour and a half. I received a phone call an hour ago, caller unknown. There are noises. Help. I'm going to be embarassed about this in the morning. Provided I'm still alive. Oh, fuck, here I go.

Poets Of The Fall - Sleep

Watching Scrubs

"The jet ski is the motorcycle of the sea!" — Cole Aaronson, Scrubs

 

Ba ha ha ha!

I don't understand

I gained another kilo. Won't even bother to take my measures. I don't know if it's just me, but I think my ankles look leaner than before. Too bad the rest of me is... Just. Not. Got out of school early today. Haven't eaten anything yet. I don't feel hungry, just tired. I want to sleep. I'm thinking... it's probably just my brain messing with my body, but I really don't feel like eating. I've been drinking water to stay hydrated, and chewing gum, but I figure I should eat something anyway, right? Oatmeal should do the trick - it'll keep me full.

We just started on a new subject in philosophy class: good and evil. We watched the movie In A Better World and I thought it was amazing. Once again, however, I was puzzled by those who started giggling during those intense moments when the boy started to cry. When you think about it, "sobbing" scenes usually cause a stir in the audience. And that's okay, it just means that the film is getting through to them -- unless of course their reaction is a defence mechanism, in which case people have a habit of making a nuisance of themselves in the theatre/living room. Like... take sex scenes for example. Those have a way of causing a stir as well. They either make people excited, bored, or uncomfortable. And people react to those impressions by doing things like: giggling, shifting, sighing, gagging, looking away, and finally... babbling. I could do without the babbling.

Aaand, I got an A for my English essay. Huzzah...

3,000 views!

Conceited? Me? Never.

Twilight is a virus?

I don't know. I think it might be.

I went to see Breaking Dawn - Part I with F, and I loved it. Cut out my tongue, pluck out my hair, rip off my nails (I'm working on Lethal Masterpiece right now, and I can just imagine how Mannis would enjoy that so very much) and drive a stake through my chest. The Twilight Saga is my guilty pleasure. Everybody's gotta have one, right?

Anyway, towards the end I suddenly felt sick. And I'd ick'ed so many times at this point, I mean things were getting kind of gross. Lots of blood and goo, things I normally wouldn't mind. The whole romance deal seemed lost and replaced with the Anorexic Hellish Labour of Death. F kept insisting that Kristen Stewart had to have starved herself to look that bony, and I told her no way. It's just makeup and animation for fuck's sake. Just. What a naive thing to say. Of course she didn't starve herself, she's not fucking Christian Bale.

Anyway, suddenly I just got this killer headache, and my head started to spin, so I closed my eyes for two minutes during which I felt unspeakably embarrassed and horrified at myself. I don't think F noticed. While I had my eyes closed I felt bloated -- been a while since I had soda, and I wouldn't have purchased it if I hadn't had one of those free tickets. I tried to occupy my mind and concentrated on taking deep, steady breaths. I thought about the train ride home, and what a fucking joy that would be if I started feeling sick now... I thought about the salt on the popcorn, the sugar in the soda, and how I would make sure to write notes on my soda/alcohol intake from now on, so I can keep track of when I last had either two. The urge to vomit subsided, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie without further distractions.

Aaand now I'm at my dad's, I found out he's throwing his own birthday party tomorrow, I feel like a dipshit for not having a present at the ready, and my ribs are killing me. Like, it feels like I'm being stabbed. I had to pieces of tiramisu, as if I didn't know any better. Oh, but I do. Headache still won't go away. I don't know what's the matter with me. Everybody's gone to sleep, so I should be getting ready as well, I guess.....

Food porn

I'm experiencing a violent craving for coconut. Oh my God.

High

I am so light-headed right now it's ridiculous. I dispensed my sandwich over these last few hours, so it might keep me full until 12 o'clock. In desperate need of fluids, but as soon as I get home I'm going to fix that. I'm writing an epic in class, and I'm finding it extremely hard to focus. Especially since we're doing it in groups. So many opinions, so little patience. But at least we have made some progress. I guess I'm the one not being particularly involved, typing this instead of participating. But I figure since I got us started by saying my piece, I can afford to have five minutes of blogging.

Okay, to be honest I don't think I can wait until I get home. I'm going to hurry to the bathroom in a minute and get me some water before I keel over. We're done with school early today, and I was planning to go the gym today. But I guess you can imagine how motivated I am feeling right now -- even if the weather's cleared up somewhat now. I'll probably wait a few hours until my headache goes away. I've got this wonderfully tight feeling in my stomach muscles, and it feels awesome.

Frou Frou - Dumbing Down of Love

Ugh h8 headaches

Day 98

A picture of your cell phone.

Nokia 6300

Day 97

A picture of something that broke your heart.

It was what caused it anyway.

I got problems

So today I agree to join my mum for Mums Meetup for the first time in ages. And all four of us kids were present. Amazing. Mum and I biked all the way, about four or five kilometers, back and forth so that was good, considering we didn't have time to go to the gym today because of this little get-together. We arrived. Pancake puffs, mulled wine, ginger biscuits, the whole caboodle. Oh dear. Well, you can imagine my relief when I discovered that there were also carrots, cucumbers and clementines on the table. And thus I started out just fine.

Then came the question that I have, most sincerely, come to hate:

"Aren't you having some?"

And thus... I ended up shoving food down my throat again, until I sat on my fucking hands. It worked for a while. This phenomenon of not being able to stop is starting to scare me. I know I'm blaming it on everyone else by saying that I would be fine if they just stopped offering me any bad foods, but that's what it is. If I was completely in charge of my diet I wouldn't have this problem with overeating. That is my problem, it's not just in my head -- I can see that I eat more than others in situations like these, and I even finish quicker. People in my situation say to use techniques like cutting your food into smaller pieces and chewing a zillion times before you swallow, but I don't want to be that girl. This is why I at least need the food I eat to be healthy, so it's not just junk loaded with calories. This Sunday was partly dedicated to getting the last of the junk out of the way, with mum and my sister's unwitting help. 

I wish I could tell mum not to prepare lunch for me. I usually only eat half of it, and that muesli bar we get on the side has plenty of sugar in it to keep me going. I can't tell her I'll buy something from the canteen every day. Those are the best days though, when I get to go to the greengrocer and buy a small cluster of grapes. If the grapes are large, it's even better.

I've gained, so how come I can't lie on my stomach on a hard floor without my hips hurting like hell? What do I have to do for things to make sense again?

Urban Species - Blanket

Thinking about piercings...

And I'm thinking that I want one. Maybe. I don't think I have the nose for a septum piercing, though it's actually the one I think about the most. It's probably just because I find them hot. Sounds about right.

I've been thinking belly button, lip piercing, industrial... I kind of like them all. How come thinking about these things make me wince, but the thought of getting a tattoo doesn't scare me in the least? It figures.

Day 95

A picture of something yellow.

Shut up, I know I'm slacking...

Auch

I've got these bruises on my lower arms. From "arm-swinging" my way to the other side of a plank-thingy in PE this Tuesday. It hurts like a mother to lift stuff, and I can't support myself when I'm lying down. Hopefully they'll go away soon. I'm being a wimp, no question about it.

I'm watching "This Is Britain" in class. Everybody's crying and wailing on the set. People next to me are chuckling. What's up with that? Defense mechanism, anyone? Why, whatever for? I don't understand.

End up in a ditch

I'm pretty sure I've been eating for three people these last three days. It would be so, so, so nice if just for one week I could go without having access to sweets, cake, and the like. Tuesday and wednesday I practically ate nothing but cake. And today too, what kind of diet is this I'm doing now?! Not a fucking healthy one is what!

Dizzy Mizz Lizzy - Silverflame

I love this picture!

Weight

This post is, in fact, in no way related to my weight. Wow.

So I'm going to spend 5 hours tomorrow selling cake and stuff in the city, to support the kids' education in Peru, and I am absolutely exhausted right now. I've been baking all day long, and I'm not going to eat cake for a looong time. Anyway... we're supposed to raise 300 kr. per person, and there's 6 of us... not sure how it'll go down.

I'm also supposed to write a physical geography assignment, which I just found out I'd misunderstood, which puts me at a great disadvantage in terms of time and availability. Fuck. Well, if I turn it in late at least I'll have done that test today so he can give me a grade. Did I mention we're getting grades soon?

Also, I've had this pressing sensation in my chest all day, and it's getting really uncomfortable. Maybe I've pulled something in there? It's like every time I move or breathe in deeply it just hurts like a bitch.

This weekend is going to arrive on very dry land indeed.

Holy shit..

Jesus H. Christ! I could listen to this guy's ramblings all day!

Dinner is my downfall

Starting out well

So I got off school around noon, which is really early, and headed straight for the gym. Might as well, right? I stayed a little longer than I usually would, due to the sad fact that it's been a whole week since I last worked out. Uhm. I usually get an excellent internet service to calculate my calorie intake and the amount of calories I burn doing different exercises. I don't use it every day, mind. The main reason I'm using it is to see whether I'm exercising too much, taking my calorie intake into consideration. Which is vital, considering:

• Today I burned approximately 550 kcals.
• My intake is around 360 kcals (-- would've been 217 had I not accepted that damn coconut muffin!)
• Dinner is coming!!!

My jaws are hurting from chewing gum all the time. I've had two already, going on the third at the moment. Tomorrow we're having PE, so I should benefit from that as well, assuming I'll be motivated about it. You know how PE gets, sometimes you just want to lie face down on the ground, arms over your head, screaming: "THIS IS SO LAME, URGH".

Ah, I've decided to just wait until next Saturday to take my latest measurements, or the cycle will just get all screwed up. My imagination's been tripping a lot lately. Just. Off my head. Last night I dreamt that I was awake all night, all the while worrying that I would be exhausted and sleep deprived today. Can you imagine my confusion when I woke up? It's the weirdest thing ever, my subconscious mind had been working in overdrive for God knows how many hours, and I suddenly I was reduced to naught but an exhausted brain in a semi-rested body (went to sleep around 1 am). And OH! Totally forget about these pictures from a week ago!

Nomnomnom!

Nomnomnom, fruit!

Our guests appreciated it and that's what matters most! I'm looking forward to making profiteroles soon.

R.E.M. - I'll Take The Rain

Guy Fawkes Night

Remember, remember the Fifth of November
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot.
I know of no reason, 

Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up the King and Parli'ment.
Three score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;

By God's mercy he was catch'd
With a darkened lantern and burning match.
So, holler boys, holler boys, let the bells ring.
Holler boys, holler boys, God save the King.

And what shall we do with him?
Burn him!

Oh, dad...

Well, I'm at my dad's for the weekend, which has proven a bit of a challenge regarding my usual Saturday schedule. While him and his girlfriend went into the city this morning, I took the liberty of rummaging through the place for a measuring tape - I knew I should've brought my own with me! But never mind that. I'll just do it sometime when I get back to my mum's.

I just took a shower and stuff, dad said he'd bring breakfast back with him, even though I told him it wasn't necessary. They've got crispbread and eggs! Crispbread + eggs -> scrambled eggs on crispbread = YUM. But then I couldn't find my phone after they left, so I couldn't tell him to NOT buy me anything, and so I had to wait. Wait, wait, wait, watched some Scooby Doo to distract myself. AND THEN THEY CAME HOME WITH WHITE BUNS AND A CHOCOLATE CROISSANT. Needless to say, I made a short process of eating, and discarded over half of the croissant in the brown bag from whence it came. Now I just need to not snack all day and resist the urge to run, run, R U N!

Luckily it's noon already, so lunch is irrelevant. My dad moved the "truffle-dinner" from work to here, because it's only going to be six people. While they munch I shall be working vigorously, and standing upright, thank God, at least I'll be doing some sort of exercise scrubbing in the kitchen and running back and forth. We are usually offered dinner at work, but we'll see. I might eat some and trash it. I'm sad to say that giving away food and throwing it in the bin has become increasingly easier. It's not so much about weight, it's about the food that's available. Dad's been living so healthily these past few months, I wish he'd allow me to do the same. Then again, I used to eat that junk not too long ago. I'm just going to have to be subtle about this - like this morning for example!

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be afraid to buy me something darker, alright? Grains won't kill me."

"You don't like soft buns anymore?"

"Sure I do, but I like grains even better."

"Okay then!"

And that's how it's done!

No time

I can hardly find time to exercise. But I'm getting my homework done, which is pretty pointless all things considered. I'm going to finally WORK this Saturday night hough, while my dad is hosting a truffle-dinner in his wine shop. I don't care, I'm sure he'll save a little something for me -- and he just got home from France, the lucky bastard! Ugh, THIS is why doing what he does wouldn't be such a bad thing. Even if it sounds cliché. 

"I wanna be like my daddy when I grow up."

Pfft.

'Don't feed'

Do I need to write it on my forehead? People keep offering me food today, it's ridiculous and it makes me uncomfortable. Just what is going on here?!

I want to see this so baad

Bitch please!

Old class reunion this afternoon after school. So excited. I'm cutting every portion in half except breakfast to make room. See, our old class teacher was also our home economics (hjemmekunstskab, mine kære, tænk sig),  and the reunion is going to be all about cooking stuff and having a good time at our old school. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm sure I can hold back, but if I don't I will need a plan b. Make room beforehand. Precautions. Preventions. That's how it has to be. And that's why I'm on a tight schedule.

• 2.15 pm.: I get off school.
• 2.35-3.15 pm.: In the gym.
• 3.40 pm.: Take a shower.
• 4 pm.: Out the door.
• 4.15 pm.: Arrive at reunion.

So I will be... approximately one hour late. Invitation said to come when possible though. Starts at 15 pm. It'll be fine.

I got an A for my essay on stress and procrastination. Look at that: 'Always a pleasure'. Boasting, boasting, I'm horrible, but it's a boost. People keep asking me stuff about the future -- which days am I available? baaah! Stop distracting me please! Gym Monday and Wednesday (Friday or Saturday), writer's club the next five Tuesdays, and then homewooork guys! It's gotta be done. But I'm dealing with it, we'll stay organised and everything will be just dandy. And when it's all over, I'll write. I'll take photos. I'll be free to do whatever the hell I please and nobody's going to tell me otherwise.

Oh, wait, I'll have to find time for a part-time job somewhere in there....

Introducing a brand new label: stress.

I want to wake up here

Imogen Heap - Headlock

Day 84

A picture of your favourite shorts.

I know what it is

Alright, I finally know what's been bothering me these past few weeks. You know that nagging feeling when something's annoying you but you can't seem to figure out what it is? I thought it was my weight gain after fall break, but it' snot! (see what I did there?). It's just that... I want the scale to read 48 kg, and it's just being stubbornly insistent on 49.4. 400 g. That's how much is between me and that. And it's just annoying. I'm cool, I'm not obsessing over it, I just think it's a downer. 48 kg just seems even more ideal because I  c a n n o t  f u c k i n g  g e t  t h e r e. But it's the perfect balance between 50 kg and being underweight -- don't want that.

What else is new:

• I received my school photos in the mail this morning... not as bad as I expected. Pleased. Not bad. Well done.
• I'm gonna get Kafka on the Shore this Monday, eeek. :D So excited to read it.
• I'm making tiramisu this afternoon because we're having guests over tomorrow. I'll be sure to post a picture of it here when it's done.
• The Thing About Love is practically writing itself again. I'll be publishing the next chapter tonight if all goes well.

A Little Fable

"Alas," said the mouse, "the whole world is growing smaller every day. At the beginning it was so big that I was afraid, I kept running and running, and I was glad when I saw walls far away to the right and left, but these long walls have narrowed so quickly that I am in the last chamber already, and there in the corner stands the trap that I must run into."

     "You only need to change your direction," said the cat, and ate it up. 

- Franz Kafka

Worried

I think A might be suffering from stress or something. The simplest of tasks just seem to be an overload to him, he forgets things, he seems tired all the time. Maybe I'm just being over-sensitive. But something is definitely wrong. He just seems depressed. I want to ask him so badly, but he's just so hard to get through to. I had a chance to do it today, but I blew it, and I'm so angry at myself still.

I recall sending him a text message one night about two years ago or so, and I asked him if he thought we could tell each other everything. I was also worrying about him at that time. He replied something like: "Yeah, we can, but we don't". I thought about asking him why that was, but it was late and I didn't want to initiate a deeper conversation. NO, actually, on second thought, I think I did ask him. In any case, I don't remember his reply if I did. (y)

I know he's talking to a professional about his problems -- or at least I know he's been seeing one, so it's not like he doesn't have the opportunity to vent. And I understand that if you've already spent an hour sitting around talking about your thoughts, it's hard to appreciate when other's try to get in your head too. I just wish he'd vent on me too, y'know. Just use me a little bit, that's what friends are for after all. But all he ever seems to talk about is going to parties, and getting shitfaced, and I'm not even sure he realises how often he does it. He wanted me to come to R's 18th birthday party this Saturday, but I'd already told her I couldn't.

I still don't feel comfortable drinking alcohol. Soda just contains way too much sugar, but the other day I was so high on the smell of coke, it's beyond comprehension. You ever tried just closing your eyes and smelling Coca Cola? It's like a syringe of adrenaline straight to the heart, especially if you get a whiff of that effervescence too. Always tickled my nose but oh, my...

Safetysuit - What If

Support

I support the Scar Project.

Day 80

A picture of your favourite film when you were little.

I can't remember exactly, but these were definitely stuffed into the VCR a few times a week.

It's not enough

If I want this, I have to take matters into my own hands. Starting by eating oatmeal (NOM) over Crüsli (chocolate stuff that mum got from her sister, whose boys didn't like it, I wish it would die!) for breakfast, and grapes over a sandwich for lunch. If all fails I will bring a water bottle for backup. Went to the gym today, two more trips to go this week, I guess. More and I'll just end up with more muscle than I bargained for and nobody wants that. I just. I just gotta get back down under. That's where I'm comfortable. I had a catch-up chat with F today, and she asked about me, and I basically told her how I'd let myself go last week and she seemed pleased. Yes, huzzah! Nevermind.

My teacher asked me if I wanted to join a writer's club at the school, a course of five times in total, which will end with a literary work made public. Sounds rather ambitious, right? A favourite of mine among Danish authors, Mette Thompson, will come and discuss stuff with us. It all sounds pretty good, setting aside the fact that I haven't done any creative writing in my native tongue for years... Makes me rather anxious. I don't know what to say to her.

Day 78

A picture of your sunglasses.

Day 77

A picture of the thing(s) you bought last.

That's how I spend my vacation-money...