Mixed up

So I've been cutting down on the fruit, and gained that kilo again. No more underweight numbers, I can't tolerate being in that spot. And I should really learn to watch myself more. What I say and what I wear, specifically. I'm just going to try to not talk about food or calories or ANYTHING related to that, while in the company of others. A's been teasing me a lot about my supposed skinniness, every time he's been around to hear me talk about food intake and nutrition. Mostly sarcastic comments, pretty harmless coming from him, but still... he's always being so loud these days. I don't need him to get excited and shout in the hallway about how little I eat. I'm still clinging to my breakfast deal, and I feel energetic in the morning.

Also, I really like my waist belt, it goes really well with a lot of my clothes. But now I don't feel comfortable wearing it. Because, unfortunately, it also tightens everything around my waist and... well I didn't think much of it, until I heard the girls whispering about it. It's just not that bad at all, I just happen to be thin around that area, the rest of me appears to go unnoticed. My legs aren't thin, neither are my sides (there's actually a lot there) and I don't do sports... I'm hardly fit. I don't get it. Gah, I sound like B-A.

I find it strange how much I change around her. Suddenly I'm constantly complimenting and reassuring, comfort all around... Probably because that's what she needs. I just wish she would feel better about it all soon. At least just so we could see each other more often.

I've been suffering from a headache these last two days, it's just starting to wear off... During that time, I've only taken two painkillers. I read up on it, and I don't like popping pills every time the pain comes back. Hopefully it'll continue to decrease.

Legs

 Fuck if it's manipulated, it's something to aim for!

Spass

I just had a Fanta for dinner, and now the only thing I can think about is sugar. I'm craving it so badly, right now I'm just drinking water, water, water... hoping it'll go away. But no matter how much I drink, I can still feel it on my tongue, it's heavenly, and my skin tickles. Far out, dude...! It's a weird feeling.

I have mixed feelings about school today. On one hand, it was really fun with the political roleplaying and lively discussions in our groups for the day... but on the other hand, the group that I'm supposed to do the presentation with (a.k.a the group that matters), I just got frustrated. Had a hard time focusing. And suddenly A was just gone, and I couldn't get a hold of him on his cell phone. The other two were stuck in their roleplaying groups, so they couldn't exactly help out, but that's okay... we'll just have to get a good look at things tomorrow. Even though I talked to A, after I had F call him (funny how that works), and he told me he had worked on the project by himself I couldn't really shake my dissatisfaction. Dunno why, technically he got more done than the rest of us. I just wish he wouldn't have left, so we could have discussed it together - at least as half a group.

F got really upset, as she does, and told me I needed to shout at him more haha... I don't think so. It's not just that I absolutely hate shouting, and frankly I don't think I possess the ability to scream at all, but he rarely lets me down besides. I don't want scold him all the time, like I don't feel like his mother enough already! But when he called me later, he apologised anyway, even though I tried being business-like haha... Sometimes I suspect that I'm not really that good at concealing my emotions as I think I am. I hope it's because he knows me, I don't like the thought of being transparent to anyone else as well.

Oh this is really bad, Mom brought me M&M's. Sugaaaar... sorry. If I keep this up, I won't be able to fall asleep tonight. I lost a kilo... Uhm. Yeah, I don't like that. No mooore... I just want to be more slender, not underweight!

Weekend

4 hours of lecturing, crazy-cosy birthday party and mother's group. That's an okay weekend. I'm satisfied, tired, and slightly bitter about the fact that I didn't get to play more Assassin's Creed on Sunday morning, when it was all over with. P offered me a ride home on the bwroom-bwroom, having previously killed my middle- and ringfinger by closing a door on them. Bloody mess. I had a great time though, those girls I didn't know were really nice. I don't know what to say, I hung out with A's little sister most of the time and we had a blast - she's not used to drinking, but managed to steal my booze anyway. My fingers till hurt like a bitch, I can't really stretch out my middlefinger all that well without wincing. I'll have to keep curling and uncurling my fingers though... dammit.

And I've grown fond of the labelling system, as you might have noticed... It's just something I like, I don't expect you to actually use it. But you c a n. That's all I'm saying... Really excited about Something Wicked This Way Comes and that new movie Water For Elephants. I seem to be developing some kind of circus fetish.

Guess what?

I'm running low on pills, and I'm fucking using my floor to do something useful with my body. I realise how that can be misinterpreted, but I mean, I constructed a do-so-and-so list of exorcises that I can do in my room. Rules, rules, we gotta have rules. One of them is that I can't sit one my bed after standing up, before I do ten push-ups. I wish this sudden spurt of motivation was pure, driven by my innate desire to make my muscles more defined... but really, I'm just acting up because I FUCKING GAINED. Sort of. I've been eating kind of irresponsibly this week. Ugh. Didn't know if the new bowls were suitable for the microwave, and all of the old ones were in the dishwasher, so I had an apple for breakfast. Sharing with the birds is nice too. Just two hours of phys today, and then no school. Ugh. My legs look better though, I'm counting on nobody to ask, still. I've got scar tissue all over my hand, it's disgusting... hopefully it'll go away.

I want this so bad

Gimme!

Miffed

Bloated

I ate so fucking much this weekend it's un-freaking believable! I feel so sick. Luckily Sprite saves the day, yay acid... I need to do my homework. Lots and lots of homework. And I fucking know all that, that's the worst part, I know it! I'm not sure what it is about sitting down and writing an assignment that I find discouraging. Weird, right? Even the English assignment just bores the crap out of me. Yawn... yawn... yawn...

But I'm watching King Kong with B-A, so it's all good. She hates me for being on the internet right now, but oh well... Her whining like "you, pay attention to me!" isn't all bad, haha... Pretty fucking cute actually. Ugh, I'm so frustrated.

Juice, strawberries, yoghurt, cake...

TOO. MUCH. FOOD.

Sick of discovering bruises everywhere.

I want my oatmeal and my crackers back...

Dr. Strangeblood

I have some bruises left from winter break, like, really small one's. Mostly on my legs, I think I've mentioned how bad they look at the moment... That's not what I wanted to moan about. When I happen to rip off the top layer (can't help it), the bleeding just goes on and on and on and on... and just yesterday I noticed that the blood had started clotting almost immediately after it leaked. Can you say that? Leaked? Bwah. I probably just need iron or something. Skin still itches, but it's recovering...

I'm going to eat out with dad, his girlfriend and her daughter today. At a French restaurant, that'll be nice. I'm excited, except for the fact that I have phys the next morning, and he wants to me to drag all of my stuff with me so his girlfriend can drive me to school. It's cosy and all, but... I feel like I'm going out of my way. She does have a habit of being late, and that's just not something I can deal with at the moment. (ABSENTEES) But that's probably just me whining.

I keep discovering more and more bruises, I have a habit of pinching myself rather than itching when I can't get to the skin - wearing trousers or leggings. Not cool, Mom would go nuts if she saw. Nail polish, I need nail polish...

Sooo TIRED

Seriously? I keep dozing off all the time, and it's getting on my nerves. I know teenagers are supposed to be like that and all, and we've got screwed up sleeping patterns and bla bla bla... I've had eight hours of sleep, two hours of school and I've been out and about and gotten some fresh air. I've eaten. Lunch and soon dinner...

What the hell did I get for breakfast...? Oh, right, crackers. Those are really good, no fat, reasonable amount of energy (or so it claims on the package). And they're maddeningly cheap, 5 kr. per. package for 25 crackers. That's like... two meals. Well not main courses, maybe just meals on the side. Those are supposed to be good right? I had an orange before lunch... been a long time since I've had one of those, I'm more of an apple person - I had no idea how to get the stuff out. I figured you just cut it in half, right? Pry them out? That's what I did.

Was supposed to buy A a birthday present today, but we ended up cutting a deal and I bought two DVD's and some stickers instead. Suckery, I know. He seemed pretty happy about my idea, though, I'll have to remind him. Foreigner on the television, Booth and Brennan are kicking it up, haha. Still got Saybia on the brain though. 

A's pretty quiet tonight... It's weird not knowing what to say, but at least he's talking. A little. Better than nothing. But he's drawing, I think I'm like that too when I'm writing. We got our second-half-year-grades (something-something) and it looks pretty good. Dropped one grade in on place, rose one a few other places. All 12's in English, that's something to brag about, innit? Math grades are improving, that's what I like to see. I'm alright.

Ow...

I am HUNGOVER. Totally worth it though.

Friday

Breakfast. FASTING. Spanish. The stupid hairdo. Reading last minute homework. ABSENTEES. Waiting. APPLE. CLEANSING. Music. Nail polish. Change. PARTY. People. BLACKout. 

You're lasy

I just woke up and realised we have phys today. And I can't be there, makes me feel sick. My legs look like some wild animal scratched them up, and the rest is still recovering. I can't change discreetly unless I'm late, and I don't wanna be late, but in truth I've really stopped caring and.. ugh. I want to climb a wall. I'll just.. leave it, sometimes you're lucky. I am starting to think that itching burns look worse than actual cuts, it looks so horrible! Why are mornings so hard to get through? No sun? I was thinking yesterday that this lifestyle really isn't fitted for teenagers. Secondary education ought to be taken serious, I think it's healthier to go through as a grown up. Or just 18+. My frontal lobe isn't fully developed yet, I'm only beginning to grasp what's right and wrong, we're all little lunatics for chrissakes... On the other hand, that might be why you choose to keep us cramped inside educational buildings for so many years - to make sure we don't get into trouble. I am definitely late.

Small, please?

Went sale-shopping with Mom yesterday, and I'm feeling pretty thrilled. All S/XS!! Bought a single sweater that was medium sized, but only because they didn't have one in size small. Hopefully it'll just shrink in the washing machine. I don't mind discount clothes, I just keep an eye out for holes, loose threads and stuff like that. But you now with some pieces of clothing you just don't mind those quality errors. That's how I feel about my sweater, I love the unevenness of the knitting pattern.

And as a matter of fact, I'm going shopping again today, with M. Just for about two hours, but I'm sure it'll be nice. I need black nail polish, I gotta remember it this time!