Bye, Alice

Check it, it's actually been four months now since my inner voice/narrative/personality finally got to me, and had me break into tears in the school bathroom thinking I was going to die. 

 

You won't recall this, unless I told you then which I probably didn't so... I apologise for being such a nitwit. I can't help it, I had other things on my mind then. Anyway, I quit everything related that I was aware of to this inner vexing personality, those phone numbers, memberships, contacts that I had no relation to. In my panic and a moment of clarity I just stopped feeding it in the hopes that it would starve, shrivel and die. And as it turns out it really helped. It's like this huge relief not to feel that presence lurking in here. Not feeling detached all the time, not being a part of this individual and all his self-destructive behaviour. I sound like a nut case, right...? I did talk to someone qualified about this, I'll have you know, but I stopped seeing him before he had the chance to include my parents. 

It doesn't matter anyway, I followed his advice and now everything's dandy, I think. Should be anyway. Four months and nothing is a good thing. Not having to constantly wonder whether what I'm thinking is really me is... indescribable. Just a huge relief, and I feel like I can trust people again. I just have to stick with this. Stay sober.

I feel like

Bloated, sad, and wasted.

In the AM

What are you doing up? 

Why are you up? 

Why won't you go to bed?

RE: In the AM

I am making html templates.
Because it takes my mind off things.
Because I'm a code-wielding fiend,
And I don't need sleep.
So stop me.

Marble Sounds - Good Occasions

100 pictures is over

Just so we're clear.

It's been a good day

Today really has been... wonderful. Socially, at least. 

During lunch break I was sitting with some of the other kids from class, and I enjoyed myself like... It was so weird hearing myself laugh like that. I've found that I have two laughs: my everyday laugh and my real laugh. Anybody familiar with this phenomenon?

S was reading this book ("Det Tomme Menneske", so philosophical, right? (oh, oh, that reminds me, I finally got my hands on Kafka on the Shore, I've been waiting 3 fucking weeks for that book!)) and he was using this old photo of his girlfriend as a bookmark. The photo was taken when she was a child, and it shows her wearing this big goofy grin, red helmet, drool on her shirt, and giant children's slippers. All the girls around the table, including myself, went like, "Aaww, she's so cute!", to which he promptly replies, "she looks like a retard who trips too much so her parents made her wear a safety helmet". Received lols all around.

Then his girlfriend arrives a few minutes later, and -- I'm actually smiling like a dork right now just remembering this stuff -- she goes: "Oh no, you're not sitting with that disgusting picture of me out in the open, I look like a retard", at which point he responds dutifully, "No, you look so cute!" And the whole table just died laughing, and S's girlfriend had no clue, bless her, it was hilarious and wonderful.

I can't believe this, I'm tearing up. Now I'm crying. What's up with me? It's called being on the rag and feeling emotional, shut up... I'm happy, I deleted B-A's number, and my grades are good. Life's good. Tonight I'm not going to feel guilty or apologise for it.

I feel like writing a paragraph about how my sugar intake is out of control, but I don't want to ruin the mood of this post.

I have to see this

Clicketh for trailer!

I can't sleep

My eyes are like this: 0.0

This is my second time getting up. I've been trying to go to bed for over an hour and a half. I received a phone call an hour ago, caller unknown. There are noises. Help. I'm going to be embarassed about this in the morning. Provided I'm still alive. Oh, fuck, here I go.

Poets Of The Fall - Sleep

Watching Scrubs

"The jet ski is the motorcycle of the sea!" — Cole Aaronson, Scrubs

 

Ba ha ha ha!

I don't understand

I gained another kilo. Won't even bother to take my measures. I don't know if it's just me, but I think my ankles look leaner than before. Too bad the rest of me is... Just. Not. Got out of school early today. Haven't eaten anything yet. I don't feel hungry, just tired. I want to sleep. I'm thinking... it's probably just my brain messing with my body, but I really don't feel like eating. I've been drinking water to stay hydrated, and chewing gum, but I figure I should eat something anyway, right? Oatmeal should do the trick - it'll keep me full.

We just started on a new subject in philosophy class: good and evil. We watched the movie In A Better World and I thought it was amazing. Once again, however, I was puzzled by those who started giggling during those intense moments when the boy started to cry. When you think about it, "sobbing" scenes usually cause a stir in the audience. And that's okay, it just means that the film is getting through to them -- unless of course their reaction is a defence mechanism, in which case people have a habit of making a nuisance of themselves in the theatre/living room. Like... take sex scenes for example. Those have a way of causing a stir as well. They either make people excited, bored, or uncomfortable. And people react to those impressions by doing things like: giggling, shifting, sighing, gagging, looking away, and finally... babbling. I could do without the babbling.

Aaand, I got an A for my English essay. Huzzah...

3,000 views!

Conceited? Me? Never.

Twilight is a virus?

I don't know. I think it might be.

I went to see Breaking Dawn - Part I with F, and I loved it. Cut out my tongue, pluck out my hair, rip off my nails (I'm working on Lethal Masterpiece right now, and I can just imagine how Mannis would enjoy that so very much) and drive a stake through my chest. The Twilight Saga is my guilty pleasure. Everybody's gotta have one, right?

Anyway, towards the end I suddenly felt sick. And I'd ick'ed so many times at this point, I mean things were getting kind of gross. Lots of blood and goo, things I normally wouldn't mind. The whole romance deal seemed lost and replaced with the Anorexic Hellish Labour of Death. F kept insisting that Kristen Stewart had to have starved herself to look that bony, and I told her no way. It's just makeup and animation for fuck's sake. Just. What a naive thing to say. Of course she didn't starve herself, she's not fucking Christian Bale.

Anyway, suddenly I just got this killer headache, and my head started to spin, so I closed my eyes for two minutes during which I felt unspeakably embarrassed and horrified at myself. I don't think F noticed. While I had my eyes closed I felt bloated -- been a while since I had soda, and I wouldn't have purchased it if I hadn't had one of those free tickets. I tried to occupy my mind and concentrated on taking deep, steady breaths. I thought about the train ride home, and what a fucking joy that would be if I started feeling sick now... I thought about the salt on the popcorn, the sugar in the soda, and how I would make sure to write notes on my soda/alcohol intake from now on, so I can keep track of when I last had either two. The urge to vomit subsided, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie without further distractions.

Aaand now I'm at my dad's, I found out he's throwing his own birthday party tomorrow, I feel like a dipshit for not having a present at the ready, and my ribs are killing me. Like, it feels like I'm being stabbed. I had to pieces of tiramisu, as if I didn't know any better. Oh, but I do. Headache still won't go away. I don't know what's the matter with me. Everybody's gone to sleep, so I should be getting ready as well, I guess.....

Food porn

I'm experiencing a violent craving for coconut. Oh my God.

High

I am so light-headed right now it's ridiculous. I dispensed my sandwich over these last few hours, so it might keep me full until 12 o'clock. In desperate need of fluids, but as soon as I get home I'm going to fix that. I'm writing an epic in class, and I'm finding it extremely hard to focus. Especially since we're doing it in groups. So many opinions, so little patience. But at least we have made some progress. I guess I'm the one not being particularly involved, typing this instead of participating. But I figure since I got us started by saying my piece, I can afford to have five minutes of blogging.

Okay, to be honest I don't think I can wait until I get home. I'm going to hurry to the bathroom in a minute and get me some water before I keel over. We're done with school early today, and I was planning to go the gym today. But I guess you can imagine how motivated I am feeling right now -- even if the weather's cleared up somewhat now. I'll probably wait a few hours until my headache goes away. I've got this wonderfully tight feeling in my stomach muscles, and it feels awesome.

Frou Frou - Dumbing Down of Love

Ugh h8 headaches

Day 98

A picture of your cell phone.

Nokia 6300

Day 97

A picture of something that broke your heart.

It was what caused it anyway.

I got problems

So today I agree to join my mum for Mums Meetup for the first time in ages. And all four of us kids were present. Amazing. Mum and I biked all the way, about four or five kilometers, back and forth so that was good, considering we didn't have time to go to the gym today because of this little get-together. We arrived. Pancake puffs, mulled wine, ginger biscuits, the whole caboodle. Oh dear. Well, you can imagine my relief when I discovered that there were also carrots, cucumbers and clementines on the table. And thus I started out just fine.

Then came the question that I have, most sincerely, come to hate:

"Aren't you having some?"

And thus... I ended up shoving food down my throat again, until I sat on my fucking hands. It worked for a while. This phenomenon of not being able to stop is starting to scare me. I know I'm blaming it on everyone else by saying that I would be fine if they just stopped offering me any bad foods, but that's what it is. If I was completely in charge of my diet I wouldn't have this problem with overeating. That is my problem, it's not just in my head -- I can see that I eat more than others in situations like these, and I even finish quicker. People in my situation say to use techniques like cutting your food into smaller pieces and chewing a zillion times before you swallow, but I don't want to be that girl. This is why I at least need the food I eat to be healthy, so it's not just junk loaded with calories. This Sunday was partly dedicated to getting the last of the junk out of the way, with mum and my sister's unwitting help. 

I wish I could tell mum not to prepare lunch for me. I usually only eat half of it, and that muesli bar we get on the side has plenty of sugar in it to keep me going. I can't tell her I'll buy something from the canteen every day. Those are the best days though, when I get to go to the greengrocer and buy a small cluster of grapes. If the grapes are large, it's even better.

I've gained, so how come I can't lie on my stomach on a hard floor without my hips hurting like hell? What do I have to do for things to make sense again?

Urban Species - Blanket

Thinking about piercings...

And I'm thinking that I want one. Maybe. I don't think I have the nose for a septum piercing, though it's actually the one I think about the most. It's probably just because I find them hot. Sounds about right.

I've been thinking belly button, lip piercing, industrial... I kind of like them all. How come thinking about these things make me wince, but the thought of getting a tattoo doesn't scare me in the least? It figures.

Day 95

A picture of something yellow.

Shut up, I know I'm slacking...

Auch

I've got these bruises on my lower arms. From "arm-swinging" my way to the other side of a plank-thingy in PE this Tuesday. It hurts like a mother to lift stuff, and I can't support myself when I'm lying down. Hopefully they'll go away soon. I'm being a wimp, no question about it.

I'm watching "This Is Britain" in class. Everybody's crying and wailing on the set. People next to me are chuckling. What's up with that? Defense mechanism, anyone? Why, whatever for? I don't understand.

End up in a ditch

I'm pretty sure I've been eating for three people these last three days. It would be so, so, so nice if just for one week I could go without having access to sweets, cake, and the like. Tuesday and wednesday I practically ate nothing but cake. And today too, what kind of diet is this I'm doing now?! Not a fucking healthy one is what!

Dizzy Mizz Lizzy - Silverflame

I love this picture!

Weight

This post is, in fact, in no way related to my weight. Wow.

So I'm going to spend 5 hours tomorrow selling cake and stuff in the city, to support the kids' education in Peru, and I am absolutely exhausted right now. I've been baking all day long, and I'm not going to eat cake for a looong time. Anyway... we're supposed to raise 300 kr. per person, and there's 6 of us... not sure how it'll go down.

I'm also supposed to write a physical geography assignment, which I just found out I'd misunderstood, which puts me at a great disadvantage in terms of time and availability. Fuck. Well, if I turn it in late at least I'll have done that test today so he can give me a grade. Did I mention we're getting grades soon?

Also, I've had this pressing sensation in my chest all day, and it's getting really uncomfortable. Maybe I've pulled something in there? It's like every time I move or breathe in deeply it just hurts like a bitch.

This weekend is going to arrive on very dry land indeed.

Holy shit..

Jesus H. Christ! I could listen to this guy's ramblings all day!

Dinner is my downfall

Starting out well

So I got off school around noon, which is really early, and headed straight for the gym. Might as well, right? I stayed a little longer than I usually would, due to the sad fact that it's been a whole week since I last worked out. Uhm. I usually get an excellent internet service to calculate my calorie intake and the amount of calories I burn doing different exercises. I don't use it every day, mind. The main reason I'm using it is to see whether I'm exercising too much, taking my calorie intake into consideration. Which is vital, considering:

• Today I burned approximately 550 kcals.
• My intake is around 360 kcals (-- would've been 217 had I not accepted that damn coconut muffin!)
• Dinner is coming!!!

My jaws are hurting from chewing gum all the time. I've had two already, going on the third at the moment. Tomorrow we're having PE, so I should benefit from that as well, assuming I'll be motivated about it. You know how PE gets, sometimes you just want to lie face down on the ground, arms over your head, screaming: "THIS IS SO LAME, URGH".

Ah, I've decided to just wait until next Saturday to take my latest measurements, or the cycle will just get all screwed up. My imagination's been tripping a lot lately. Just. Off my head. Last night I dreamt that I was awake all night, all the while worrying that I would be exhausted and sleep deprived today. Can you imagine my confusion when I woke up? It's the weirdest thing ever, my subconscious mind had been working in overdrive for God knows how many hours, and I suddenly I was reduced to naught but an exhausted brain in a semi-rested body (went to sleep around 1 am). And OH! Totally forget about these pictures from a week ago!

Nomnomnom!

Nomnomnom, fruit!

Our guests appreciated it and that's what matters most! I'm looking forward to making profiteroles soon.

R.E.M. - I'll Take The Rain

Guy Fawkes Night

Remember, remember the Fifth of November
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot.
I know of no reason, 

Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up the King and Parli'ment.
Three score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;

By God's mercy he was catch'd
With a darkened lantern and burning match.
So, holler boys, holler boys, let the bells ring.
Holler boys, holler boys, God save the King.

And what shall we do with him?
Burn him!

Oh, dad...

Well, I'm at my dad's for the weekend, which has proven a bit of a challenge regarding my usual Saturday schedule. While him and his girlfriend went into the city this morning, I took the liberty of rummaging through the place for a measuring tape - I knew I should've brought my own with me! But never mind that. I'll just do it sometime when I get back to my mum's.

I just took a shower and stuff, dad said he'd bring breakfast back with him, even though I told him it wasn't necessary. They've got crispbread and eggs! Crispbread + eggs -> scrambled eggs on crispbread = YUM. But then I couldn't find my phone after they left, so I couldn't tell him to NOT buy me anything, and so I had to wait. Wait, wait, wait, watched some Scooby Doo to distract myself. AND THEN THEY CAME HOME WITH WHITE BUNS AND A CHOCOLATE CROISSANT. Needless to say, I made a short process of eating, and discarded over half of the croissant in the brown bag from whence it came. Now I just need to not snack all day and resist the urge to run, run, R U N!

Luckily it's noon already, so lunch is irrelevant. My dad moved the "truffle-dinner" from work to here, because it's only going to be six people. While they munch I shall be working vigorously, and standing upright, thank God, at least I'll be doing some sort of exercise scrubbing in the kitchen and running back and forth. We are usually offered dinner at work, but we'll see. I might eat some and trash it. I'm sad to say that giving away food and throwing it in the bin has become increasingly easier. It's not so much about weight, it's about the food that's available. Dad's been living so healthily these past few months, I wish he'd allow me to do the same. Then again, I used to eat that junk not too long ago. I'm just going to have to be subtle about this - like this morning for example!

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be afraid to buy me something darker, alright? Grains won't kill me."

"You don't like soft buns anymore?"

"Sure I do, but I like grains even better."

"Okay then!"

And that's how it's done!

No time

I can hardly find time to exercise. But I'm getting my homework done, which is pretty pointless all things considered. I'm going to finally WORK this Saturday night hough, while my dad is hosting a truffle-dinner in his wine shop. I don't care, I'm sure he'll save a little something for me -- and he just got home from France, the lucky bastard! Ugh, THIS is why doing what he does wouldn't be such a bad thing. Even if it sounds cliché. 

"I wanna be like my daddy when I grow up."

Pfft.

'Don't feed'

Do I need to write it on my forehead? People keep offering me food today, it's ridiculous and it makes me uncomfortable. Just what is going on here?!

I want to see this so baad