Btw

Update

So lots of things have been going on. School, mainly, is being a royal pain in my ass but you all know how it is. The day before yesterday we went up north to see all sorts of leftovers from the ice age. Took some pictures. Yesterday was Desperate Housewives/Dagens mand night with the girls, and me and M made delicious cinnamon rolls together. It was nice. Except then we had both cinnamon rolls, banana cake, and cookies present. M asked me on the way to the host's house, how I stayed so thin, and I go "aaah, small portions?" in lack of something better... Bahaha. And what do I do?

3 cinnamon rolls
4 cookies
3 slices of banana bread
+ lots and lots of water, trying to fill me up.

This stuff is what makes me highly anticipant of "the weekly weighing". I'll be taking my measures every third week as well, just to keep tabs on my growing muscles mass.

Going to the gym today, and I plan on being a wobbly-legged lump of goo when I leave. And then when I get home, I'll have a looong bath. God knows I need it, my hair is disgusting right now.

Our rent is going to be around 10.000 kr. come January. With taxes and stuff, mom only has 15.000 kr. to make do with. It's ridiculous. Her salary is not going to raise as well! We'll have to move, probably. I really, really, really need a regular job.

Day 60

A picture of something you're looking forward to.

31/10 - Reunion. <3

Changes

Yeah, this isn't really working. It was a nice run eating whatever the hell I wanted, and I sure did not care about quantities. I'm a contradiction. I don't like being up here and I want to get down ASAP. So I'm just going to quietly slip back I think. Everybody's leaving for something today, and dad and his girlfriend's going to come pick me up sometime. I'm just waiting for everybody to get out so I can do my measures undisturbed. Mum just came in and asked me if I was going to figure out breakfast on my own. Sure! I'll... probably make some tea. I don't like being up here at all. I think what's really the cause is the binging -- I know I said I wasn't going to, but it seems like without the scale I just go bad. 

I've been munching on this and that all week, chocolate, cookies, candy. And I think the only reason I do is because it's available. It's because it's in the house, and it's because others offer these things to me. I wouldn't buy it myself, and I know I can just say no if others offer, and let's be clear about one thing: I can't say no to people off my head. If I'm not warned, then I can't think to say no. I'm working out regularly now, every two or three days or so, and I'm doing exercises at home as well. It's not like I'm a big blob just lazing around at home not burning anything off. I'm going to stop bringing money to school that exceeds the price of a cup of tea, because that's the sole reason why I buy junk. Excess money in my pocket.

But I can't go near the scale right now. So I'm going to stay off it until next Friday. Only this time I won't be gaining. I can't be up here. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss my ribs. It's awful. I won't let my body go into starvation-mode though, because then I'll just gain even more. Don't worry about me not eating, because I certainly will, I'm just going to generally stay the hell away from the fridge and go for tea and fruit instead. My teeth aren't going to like this, I fear. So much acid. And I'll stick to one portion at dinner, or two very small portions should people think to ask. I'm staying clear of alcohol and other sugary beverages as well. I actually haven't had a drop of alcohol since... well, since that 18th birthday. I might've scared myself into not drinking. Oh well, no harm in that. If only it was so easy with food.

On another note, the next few months are probably going to be difficult for us. My mum's ex-husband is moving out, and money's going to be difficult to come across. I don't think my sister will understand, but then again; she's never had an empty wallet shoved in her face as a 5-year-old. I just hope she won't give mum a hard time, or I may have to sit her down and have an annoying talk with her. She's so wrapped up in her own little world, maybe it'd do her some good to see what it means to be economically unstable. Of course we'll manage, I mean we've been through this before after all.

I'm good

 (I'm totally taking my measures tomorrow)

Day 55

A picture of the last film you saw at the cinema.

O p h e l i a c

Day 53

A picture of someone you think is hot.
Male:

Hugh Jackman. It is UNREAL.

Female:

Olivia Wilde. I'd tap that in a second.

Day 51

A picture of your dream car.

My head:

Bentley Continential.

My heart:

Rolls Royce Phantom

Insomnia

Can't sleep, so I'm redecorating the blog. Giving it a new feel, inspired by 1 AM blues music. Not too shabby, eh?

I will get there

Make or break

I have decided not to weigh myself for a week. From now and until next friday evening, I won't go near that scale. And when it's time, I'll see how I feel. I'm hoping it'll discourage my worrying -- because I just feel like food is in my head 85% of the time. If I'm a neurotic mess who absolutely has to know the truth, then sure, I'll step on it. But then again I might just forget about it. Maybe it's not even that big a deal to me come Tuesday. I'm hoping for the latter, but you never know. I'll try not to binge. I'll try to just listen to my body. If I succeed, I shall simply post a picture, and you will know. Wish me luck.

Day 48

A picture of your favourite actor.

Male:

What did ya expect? Really?

Female:

Black Snake Moan. 'nuff said.

Day 47

A picture of your favourite shop.

I could LIVE in there.

Today I was told that I write beautifully

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

2000 views

Closure

I'm embarrassed. But I'm also very much against the practise of deleting posts upon realising that someone gives a shit... .___.' Seen it happen so many times, and it sort of ruins the whole point of being honest -- this blog is still for me, so there's that! No apologies.

Anyway, even after my outlet here and I went to school the day after, I felt like shit. Vulnerability, regret, confusion; basically all the good stuff that Mondays are made of. Whilst talking to F during our lunch break we were just chatting, then we talked about weekends and I just said I had a weird weekend. She looked me in the eye and asked me how was it weird, and I figured oh what the hell, she's my best gal pal and I'm gonna use her. And then along with my weekend, somehow everything else that's been going on since the beginning of last year just spilled out. Everything related to my eating habits, mind. I was happy to find that I can actually talk to her about this stuff... even if it gets terribly disorderly because I can't put things together in my head. She tried to question and reason with me, and I could tell she was thinking something along the lines of an ed, but I think I did pretty well considering. I don't want to be underweight, and I don't aim to get below 47 kg because frankly that thought is terrifying. All that matters is proportion.

And being comfortable.

I'm doing my homework... doing the the best I can anyway. I forgot how nice it is to be preoccupied like this. And I'm letting Safetysuit back in, now that she is once again incapeable of making up her mind. I guess I'll see what I can do -- again. Clicketh.

Day 44

A picture of someone you've been told you look like.

Hayley Williams... psh, if only!

Guilt and weakness

I'm not getting my Danish homework done. I told my dad I did coz he asked, but I didn't. And it's likely I won't. This weekend was reserved for family. I can live with myself for that.

I went to my grandma's on Saturday, ate a fig bar and an apple around noon before I left. Grandma had planned for a light salad dinner with some lean meat, so I was fine with that. Then she told me there was some B&J ice cream left from my last visit and I had to think. I had a look inside the container, and concluded there had to be 80ml tops in there. So it wasn't too bad. Then about an hour later, she tells me she's got profiteroles for us too. And I'm dumbfounded. But she's already got them out of the freezer, so I just go with it. Ate three. Two more. Then one more. Six. And I felt like ugh.

But the real problem arose the next day, at my smallest cousin's 6th birthday. He'd ordered pizza on the menu, so his momma had made them herself. Plus salad. Then I fled the table, afraid I might eat more, and went upstairs with the kids to play Wii. But after a while my dad goes "get the macaroons!". He'd bought a mixed portion from his trip to Alsace. So I brought forth the macaroons and handed them out to the kids. I love those things, so I had some... See how things are getting out of hand. I felt like I couldn't stop. AND THEN THEY SERVED CAKE. Only had one itsy bitsy piece of the blueberry one.

At this point I felt like shit.

Sunday intake:

Oatmeal bun with ham, no butter

100ml yoghurt

1 glass of milk

--

3 carrot sticks

2 glasses of water (filling up so I would feel full and not eat as much (total and utter failure))

--

3 pizza slices

4 frikkadels

2 salad turns

2 glasses of water

1 glass of coke

--

5 macaroons

--

1 piece of blueberry cake (as opposed to nougat cake)

2 scones

1 cup of hot chocolate

Miserable. Absolutely miserable. No fucking wonder I've gained. Then as I sat at the table I started thinking what if I took a trip to the bathroom. What if I simply purged everything? Would I feel fine then? As I was picturing it I realised that I might cry, so I got up and left the table. And I went to the bathroom. And I tried. Got rid of the scones I think, but then I couldn't do anymore. It was absolutely horrible, I was crying the whole time, and I'll never, ever do it again. I need to be stronger and restrict. Use my will power.

I DON'T NEED TO PURGE.

  

This binge will last me until tomorrow evening, hopefully. I'm not planning on eating much else than two fig bars. If not: WATER.

Day 42

A picture of your dream house.

Bilbo's home.

The Strain

So I bought a book from Amazon a few days ago, and today it came in with the mail. Excited. It's by Guillermo Del Toro (The Devil's Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth) and Chuck Hogan. Admittedly, I don't know anything about Hogan, but apparently he wrote this book Prince of Thieves which Stephen King voted one of the 10 best books of the year and is going to be a major feature film. Sounds pretty good to me.

Day 40

A picture of your favourite Disney character.

Animated:

Feature film:

Oh. My. God....

Day 39

A picture of your favourite film.

 

 Needless to say, I like Chris Nolan's work.

Day 38

Early in the morning, in that glorious state of REM-sleep.

Day 35

A picture of your favourite place to eat.

My dad's.

My nails are turning purple. Ugh.