Welcome to 2012!

What's so wrong with the night?

I need to become a better liar

So I'm pretty much back on the "only eat to prove you eat" deal. There's no other way, since I can't really... control myself around food when I'm alone, it seems. Makes me sad. I've realised that I really, really, really don't want to gain any more weight. I want to go back to 48-49 kilos. The issue here is people as much as it is me. Mum just got home ten minutes ago and she saunters in to my room like:

Mum: "Heeey, have you just been sitting here all day without eating or drinking anything?"

Me: "o.O'"

How does she do that?!

Mum: "...Well, have you?"

Me: "Well, you said it."

I was so baffled. Why couldn't I just shake my head and be like: "Naw, I've been to the gym, eaten lots of stuff and yep, you guessed it, I am fully hydrated." Why? So I was just promptly escorted to the kitchen to drink a cup of milk and make off with a müsli bar. Not the worst thing that could've happened. Dinner is coming. And now I feel like maybe I have a problem.

The In Between

THIS is an update. I have BOOKS but I have no MONEY. I am feeling detached these days. I am one day ahead of everyone else. My room is a mess. I am getting less anxious about phone calls. I accidentally had an accident. I am NOT weighing myself until February 1st.  
I have a PLAN. It is a good one. I may have to rate this blog mature.

Coz I love cherries.

I am leeching offf someone else's internet, after hiding their booze like a boss so they would go buy more, and thus leave their laptopp unprotected. the things I do for you whilst wasted, internet

MERRY CHRISTMAS <'3

Twas the afternoon before Christmas...

... Surely you realise by now that I'm not a morning person. Who cares, anyway. I'm sick. Something happened yesterday, suddenly I started sneezing and my nose and ears started clogging. That feels exactly as uncomfortable/disgusting as it sounds. I made preparations to go to bed early, say, at a little past midnight. It did not at all go as planned. I cut off everything, thought I was safe enough, but then I discovered an Office Writer document still open on my desktop, from earlier in the day when I was working on Lethal Masterpiece. And then I saw a typo in there, so I corrected it. Then I read the last line of a paragraph and had a sudden epiphany of what ought to come next. And I started typing. And you know I went to bed at nearly 3 am, my eyes absolutely red and my head begging for drugs and sleep. This is how I get work done.

That having been said, I woke up about an hour ago. Headed straight for the kitchen and made a cup of cocoa with every intention of making that cup contain at least two thirds of Scotch Whiskey. That having been conquered I buried myself under the covers for a good ten minutes, drinking while lying down and feeling like I was about to die. Looking utterly pathetic, no doubt. Good thing only my sister is home, and I don't think she's planning on leaving her room. I made a full pot lemon tea when I was finished with my "cocoa", and quite frankly I expect this will be my diet for today -- except my 35 grams of oatmeal. Fibers. Gotta have 'em.

Don't you ever get sick of reading these things in detail? Then I did this, then I did that.... Suppose you don't have much of a choice, do you? On the other hand that wouldn't give you much of an insight would it? On the third hand I know I can be horribly blunt in my posts without giving thought to detail at all. Getting off topic, I'm just not a consistent blogger.

I really wanted to go the store today and find some accessories for my dress.... but guess not. My head feels like an elephant just stomped on it.

I'm lying in bed watching Tim Roth eating a banana whilst sassing a psychiatrist... and I'm loving it, in a totally non-gerontophiliatic way ♥

I support this ad

I give up

I'm not going to bother caring about my weight during Christmas. What's the  fucking point?

Dead inside

I went to Tivoli as a part of a family Christmas tradition, and I lost my cell phone. Or it ran away. Either way, it's GONE. We blocked the number and I'm gonna call 'em up tomorrow to find out if they found it crushed to pieces somewhere or not -- it was turned on when I lost it, see, but it was out of service when we tried to call it so I can only assume that something terrible has happened to it. I'll have mum call the insurance company as well to see if they want to cover it or not. I've never lost a phone before, it's like I've lost a part of myself. I feel utterly naked and empty inside, like there's a void in my heart that I couldn't possibly fulfill. 

I am such a drama llama, I know.

I'm sitting here wearing only one sock, and I feel incredibly detached from everything else. I've been thinking that maybe getting a new cell phone, maybe having to get a new number as well (I don't understand these things too well), will be a new start for me. Maybe I'll be able to relax more and not freak the fuck out every time someone whose number I don't recognise calls me up. Can you imagine it?

Robert Pattinson - Let Me Sign

Sigh

I like Carey too

Just a thought

The irony of there being a hunger crisis in Africa is that a great majority of the world's population consists of people good only for being devoured. Disturbing? Most will claim so. True? Few will admit it.

I hate not being able to write that effing feature.

01:12 am

Really wanting to go get my iPod so I can listen to the Fall on audiobook, but that means getting out of bed, walking down the stairs and back, and without a doubt waking mum up. Hating this night.

Massive Attack - Live With Me

Happy birthday Ciel

Get it together

I've always worn a nightgown to bed, but sleeping in my underwear seems to have become a co-occurrence with my feeling stressed out. I've been doing it more often lately, and frequently on nights where I've been despairing over homework or something else.

Yesterday was a nightmare, and I actually didn't feel hungry at all. By the time I dragged myself out the door to meet with the girls in Tivoli around 3.30 pm I'd only eaten an apple. I had so been looking forward to the chirros, so I had one of those... and a cup of hot cocoa. And a fruit skewer with dark chocolate coating. But I was not hungry.

I have to write this stupid feature story about my stupid gymnasium, and it's all just so stupid, and I just want it to be the 23rd so I can get on holiday. I can't wrap my head around the feature because it has to be about my gymnasium, in which I haven't been too invested besides. I just know it's going to turn out depressing at this rate. 

M is my partner in all of this, but I feel like she's not talking to me at all. Suddenly one afternoon she's got it figured out, after I, that very same morning, asked her if she had any ideas at all and she said she didn't. If she had an epiphany why not share? Because she's not a sharer. I've known her since we were kids, and I guess I should have learned this by now. I love her to bits, and she's possibly the most creative person I know, but why am I not worthy? Aren't I worthy of her thoughts or does she just forget? Either way I'm frustrated, but of course it's not her fault that I can't write like this.

And I don't feel like eating now. I don't feel like doing anything, other than... wait for it... W R I T E. I want to just bring my laptop with me to a remote place and release all of my excess insanity. Being a person is getting too complicated. Why can't I just be an author?

The paaain

Woke up with cramps in my abdomen.
Kind of stuck here lying on my stomach.
Going to wait this out for a bit
then if it doesn't get better
I'm going to attempt to make it down to the kitchen
and get painkillers
without collapsing.
Screw this
.

This picture interests me

Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself if the world is fucking serious, don't you?

Surreal

Okay, so... things have happened this weekend. Good things as well as downright strange ones. Because I can't be bothered to explain everything in detail, I'll provide you with a simple assembly of events to make things a little lighter to your sore minds -- it is Monday, after all.

• I got a haircut. Lovely lift. Bangs turned out wispy.
• I updated The Thing About Love.
• Went to the gym, had to go home early because of mom. Can't go today because of point 6.
• I received a pair of Björn Borg hipsters for my advent gift. Like, underwear with a genuine label. I'm not sure I can deal with that. (I've become infatuated with H&M's 3-pack organic cotton hipsters, and that is the extend of my label-awareness)
• My little sister's father came over and had dinner with us. Haven't seen the man for nine years and I still don't get it. Truly I found myself in a limbo of profound confusion and passive aggressiveness.
• My dad called and invited me out for dinner tonight. (y) I wonder what cuisine he's going to pick.

I feel like I can't allow myself to be too happy with my dad, point 5 considered. If I do, I feel like a bitch and bad sister. It's not nice.

I love today already

You've got five hours of sleep, a violent storm outside, seven hours of school, and it's simply one of those days where you just don't wanna. We all have 'em. I just don't see why it has to be Friday morning right now and I have to be in school within the hour. I'm an ooowl (not really).

The tendons in my feet are starting to bug me, and I think it might be my shoes. I  don't want to be in pain but I also don't want to not wear them, see? Such a dilemma! My life is full of obstacles, hoohoo. I get unreasonably sarcastic when I'm tired, and hopefully nothing shall come of it today... I'd hate for someone to get fucked up by this staggering, bleary-eyed mass of uuurgh.

This may take some music to fix up. I'm thinking Keane should suffice for now.

Maurice André - Autumn Leaves

B/W is growing on me

I had a delightful time watching Buster Keaton in "The General" today. Makes me want to see more, more, more!

My bruises and I

I don't know how this keeps happening. I gain weight, and I still can't do shit without getting bruises. When I sit on a plain chair without padding it hurts my bottom, and after a while my lower back starts aching; I maintain my disability to lie down on a hard surface without hurting my hips; and when I lean on a wall it just hurts my shoulder blades -- I'm sitting against a wall as I type this, and I had to put a pillow between myself and it to stay comfortable. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. I should get more natural padding as I gain, right?

On another note, I'm getting a hair cut this Saturday and hopefully it'll be nicer. My hair's getting long, but I kind of like it. Just going to have some layers added to it and a fresh fringe for Christmas! (y) I can't decide on what style to go with though..

Wispy

Asymetrical

Choppy

I do like the wispy look though, it won't need as much maintenance...

I am in love

I'm alive

Yes, yes, yes... I made it through. Got tipsy, and had a good time. While I didn't do any shots I couldn't help but get one or two cocktails. It was no biggy. Then I sobered up considerably when a girl from class suddenly got very, very drunk, then very, very miserable, and then very, very sick..... we got her home alright though.

But before that I found out that L, another girl from class has actually been reading my blog. With vigour, apparently. Naturally my first thought was "Oh shit", but she was really nice and understanding about it... even if we were both wasted and she may or may, not remember this now, I was actually kind of touched by her concern. But I never considered the possibility of someone that close to me might be following my blog. I mean I've never expected anyone to walk up to me and be like, "Hey, I read you blog", since it's pretty inconspicuous if I do say so myself... Needless to say I was shocked. But on the up side, I think we may be able to talk a little better together. Not about my ramblings here, obviously, but just in general.

Aaand, I found the first bruises from last night on my lower arm. From the feel of it, there's going to be more.

Little Dragon - Twice

Psst, check the video out.

And her stomach sank with dread...

Tonight I'm going to the first real party since the incident at S's 18th birthday. There's going to be people, no doubt. And alcohol. Uhm... can't it just be fake alcohol, and we'll laugh at all the people who act wasted regardless?

Look at this, look at what I've become -- this is a disgrace. Damn you, social expectations. I've just got to keep calm and ease into it. Talk to people, meet some new ones. This could be a good thing: moderation is the key word -- no shots, no mixed drinks. The party starts at 9.30 pm, which is late, so I'm going to go to a friend's house for dinner and we'll start out with a couple of drinks to set the right mood. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to it with this churning sensation of apprehension in my gut. For Pete's sake, I can do this!

Holy shit it's already Thursday