Guilt and weakness

I'm not getting my Danish homework done. I told my dad I did coz he asked, but I didn't. And it's likely I won't. This weekend was reserved for family. I can live with myself for that.

I went to my grandma's on Saturday, ate a fig bar and an apple around noon before I left. Grandma had planned for a light salad dinner with some lean meat, so I was fine with that. Then she told me there was some B&J ice cream left from my last visit and I had to think. I had a look inside the container, and concluded there had to be 80ml tops in there. So it wasn't too bad. Then about an hour later, she tells me she's got profiteroles for us too. And I'm dumbfounded. But she's already got them out of the freezer, so I just go with it. Ate three. Two more. Then one more. Six. And I felt like ugh.

But the real problem arose the next day, at my smallest cousin's 6th birthday. He'd ordered pizza on the menu, so his momma had made them herself. Plus salad. Then I fled the table, afraid I might eat more, and went upstairs with the kids to play Wii. But after a while my dad goes "get the macaroons!". He'd bought a mixed portion from his trip to Alsace. So I brought forth the macaroons and handed them out to the kids. I love those things, so I had some... See how things are getting out of hand. I felt like I couldn't stop. AND THEN THEY SERVED CAKE. Only had one itsy bitsy piece of the blueberry one.

At this point I felt like shit.

Sunday intake:

Oatmeal bun with ham, no butter

100ml yoghurt

1 glass of milk

--

3 carrot sticks

2 glasses of water (filling up so I would feel full and not eat as much (total and utter failure))

--

3 pizza slices

4 frikkadels

2 salad turns

2 glasses of water

1 glass of coke

--

5 macaroons

--

1 piece of blueberry cake (as opposed to nougat cake)

2 scones

1 cup of hot chocolate

Miserable. Absolutely miserable. No fucking wonder I've gained. Then as I sat at the table I started thinking what if I took a trip to the bathroom. What if I simply purged everything? Would I feel fine then? As I was picturing it I realised that I might cry, so I got up and left the table. And I went to the bathroom. And I tried. Got rid of the scones I think, but then I couldn't do anymore. It was absolutely horrible, I was crying the whole time, and I'll never, ever do it again. I need to be stronger and restrict. Use my will power.

I DON'T NEED TO PURGE.

  

This binge will last me until tomorrow evening, hopefully. I'm not planning on eating much else than two fig bars. If not: WATER.