Changes

Yeah, this isn't really working. It was a nice run eating whatever the hell I wanted, and I sure did not care about quantities. I'm a contradiction. I don't like being up here and I want to get down ASAP. So I'm just going to quietly slip back I think. Everybody's leaving for something today, and dad and his girlfriend's going to come pick me up sometime. I'm just waiting for everybody to get out so I can do my measures undisturbed. Mum just came in and asked me if I was going to figure out breakfast on my own. Sure! I'll... probably make some tea. I don't like being up here at all. I think what's really the cause is the binging -- I know I said I wasn't going to, but it seems like without the scale I just go bad. 

I've been munching on this and that all week, chocolate, cookies, candy. And I think the only reason I do is because it's available. It's because it's in the house, and it's because others offer these things to me. I wouldn't buy it myself, and I know I can just say no if others offer, and let's be clear about one thing: I can't say no to people off my head. If I'm not warned, then I can't think to say no. I'm working out regularly now, every two or three days or so, and I'm doing exercises at home as well. It's not like I'm a big blob just lazing around at home not burning anything off. I'm going to stop bringing money to school that exceeds the price of a cup of tea, because that's the sole reason why I buy junk. Excess money in my pocket.

But I can't go near the scale right now. So I'm going to stay off it until next Friday. Only this time I won't be gaining. I can't be up here. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss my ribs. It's awful. I won't let my body go into starvation-mode though, because then I'll just gain even more. Don't worry about me not eating, because I certainly will, I'm just going to generally stay the hell away from the fridge and go for tea and fruit instead. My teeth aren't going to like this, I fear. So much acid. And I'll stick to one portion at dinner, or two very small portions should people think to ask. I'm staying clear of alcohol and other sugary beverages as well. I actually haven't had a drop of alcohol since... well, since that 18th birthday. I might've scared myself into not drinking. Oh well, no harm in that. If only it was so easy with food.

On another note, the next few months are probably going to be difficult for us. My mum's ex-husband is moving out, and money's going to be difficult to come across. I don't think my sister will understand, but then again; she's never had an empty wallet shoved in her face as a 5-year-old. I just hope she won't give mum a hard time, or I may have to sit her down and have an annoying talk with her. She's so wrapped up in her own little world, maybe it'd do her some good to see what it means to be economically unstable. Of course we'll manage, I mean we've been through this before after all.